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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
10:35 pm - i'm not back, only desperate for an audience
i'm afraid it's only when i drink that i write my best. if i want to be an author, what would that say about me? perhaps my new years resolution should be to be comfortably warm off red wine throughout each day and night. if that went into effect, i'm sure i would be much more ambitious, speak my words much more eloquently, and overall, have all the witty charms of a cynical social elite. i'm also sure i would have more friends, as well as more enemies. either way, it would be more than what i currently posess. i was excited to come online to write, but have just noticed i don't wish to write anything meaningful here. i'm officially resigning from livejournal.

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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
2:33 pm - Aquila
One of my friends from boarding school died two nights ago. It was in a car accident. They think she lost control of the wheel. Her name was Aquila, she was from Florida. I was thinking about her last week, and have thought about her at times and wondered how she was doing, and knowing she was doing just fine. I guess she had moved to Georgia some time after she graduated from the school. She graduated a couple months before I did, I remember. The last I heard about her was that she went directly into college from graduating the program. She was excited about college, I remember her telling me her plans for it.
It's just weird, and so sad to think of her. To remember her sitting on the couch next to me late at night when only the upper levels were allowed to stay up late at night. And we would joke around and laugh. It just seems so weird to think that the body that was sitting next to me then is dead and decomposed now, and that it no longer exists. Who would have known that would be the last year of her life.
I remember the way her nose slanted, it just went straight down. She always had freckles, and lots of them. Her skin got really tan in the summer and pale in the winter. She was always skinny, and her hair was thick and light brown. Her eyes were green with freckles in them and her mouth was little. She was the same age as me. I always looked up to her, even though she was a lower level than me for a good while. I got there in February, she got there about a month later. She was taller than me and she had high cheekbones. She was always so honest. Staff trusted her a lot. She was smart, too. She figured things out easily and quickly. She was always very intelligent, and never had anything without meaning to say.
She used to do this leprechaun kick thing. She never wanted to do it, she only did it to get out of her "comfort zone" as a challenge from the other girls. But whenever she would do it, there was no way anyone could ever smile without complete sincerity. She got annoyed when anyone would twitch their foot up and down when their legs were crossed. As a result of her annoyance with this and some other things, me and some other girls figured out that she just didn't have any rhythm. We used to joke around with her about that a lot, and she always laughed. Her teeth were always so white, too. I can't remember if they were straight or not.
She was good friends with her sister. I can't even think of what her family may be feeling now. It seems so sad. I remember seeing her parents when they came to visit her, and they were so happy I can't even explain. I can't even think of the doubts that may be going through her parents' minds now. What if they hadn't sent her to boarding school, they wouldn't have missed out on seeing her for an entire year in the last two years of her life. And if she hadn't been sent to boarding school, she probably would have never moved to Georgia and been there in that car at the time she was. And just about any other possibility.
She didn't believe in God. Where is she now? I always thought she was so beautiful. She could surpass any model in any magazine any day.
I remember how she looked when she cried, and how her voice quivered. I remember how she used to cross her legs when sitting on the floor. After she left, I wore her shirt until I left the program a few months later. Her initials "AA" were on the back of the shirt.

It's also sad to think that when you leave boarding school, and realize just how much you're going to miss the people there.. you never actually believe that you may never see those people again. There's still a thought in your head that tells you you HAVE to see those people again. And now I'll never see her again. There's no way I can ever just walk up to her and say hello.
I just don't understand why this had to happen to her.

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Friday, July 18th, 2003
11:35 pm
It's real lonely when you sign on AIM and there is only one person online listed on your buddy list - yourself.

Watched "Punch Drunk Love" tonight. I cannot fully understand why it got so much acclaim. The usual love story plot and all was a bit different, there were a couple real good lines spoken throughout, the camera shots were all very good, and the characters were all acted out very well in my opinion, but I still cannot understand why it was hailed as being such a great film. Maybe I should learn first the director's intentions in making it the way he did before I judge it though.

I have to work tomorrow at 11 and stay till 5 and then I come home. I think we're going to rent 'Phonebooth' tomorrow. My dad persists on 'God's and Generals' but I don't think that I'll be in the mood to stand a 3.5 hour movie about war tomorrow night. And my dad refused to rent 'The Hours' because tonight's pick was the "girly" movie for the weekend.

Nathan's coming in exactly 8 days. I'm going to visit Jamie and see her in exactly 13. She was promptly married in January. Should I get her a photo album? She likes to journal, should I get her a new journal? Her birthday is also on August 14th. Should I get her a journal for a birthday present and then just give her a check my parents said they might give to her and her husband for a wedding present? Or should I buy two things for both a wedding and a birthday present. I don't know. Then there's the wrapping and tissue paper to think of and bags. I wouldn't want to carry a box on the plane with me so I don't have to worry about wrapping paper. But bags are kind of expensive. And then there's the cards.

Jackhammering or whatever you would call jackhammering with an oversized crane, woke me up this morning. They're doing construction on the rocks by the lake, which is 5 minutes from where I live. I always pass by it when I go running so I get to see the big machines and stuff. The workers are always smoking cigarettes, too. The other day when I went running over there, there was a rat, belly to the sky, with a horrid look on its face, laying flat on the sidewalk pathway. Its arms were scrunched up to its chest, and there were two lines hollowing out the formation of his body, probably caused by rollerbladers or bikes. But anyway, I think that the force from the rollerblades or bikes forced its guts into its mouth, because directly underneath its jaw, it was split open and I could see the red muscle showing through. It wasn't a pretty sight, kind of eerie actually. There were red rollerblade and bike marks right in front of the rat.

But yeah, I wish they could finish construction on the rocks soon. It was nice to sit out on the lake.

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9:32 pm - very
i am open-minded!

How indie are you?
test by ridethefader

You're pretty knowledgeable about music in general. You like indie music, sure, but that's only part of it.
You'll listen to any old shit as long as it sounds good to you. You're not snobby about music at all, you
just like what you like. How boring. Curiously, this makes you popular with the opposite sex.

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Monday, July 14th, 2003
11:53 pm - light it up forever
Dinner was paid for at The Bagel tonight. I paid for the tip to Dolores (or at least that's what her name should be, as said by someone). Coffee was a no go, record store was a go. Picked up a card for my dad to give my mom for her birthday tomorrow. Parked the car a long ways away from my building. Walked through sprinklers on the sidewalk over. It was more humid than I thought it would be. The lights looked superficial (like in a sno globe) along the streets. Stopped in to drop off my blintzes in the fridge. Mom said, "Come back up." I think she meant to say, "Come back again." She's been drinking tonight. Lights were out on the roof. Dust kicking up from the driving range. Red white and blue lighting from the top of the Handcock building. The moon was yellow and big, it was commented that it may be a full moon (it was yesterday actually). A boat moved through very slowly through the slip of moonlight on the lake. Wanted to watch it for longer, but went to the other side of the deck to follow the other someone. I said to watch out for Mr. Spider, he moved homes. He scouted territory on the West side of the roof for his house. He said he would go to his roof and wave a flag and see if I could see him. He reminded me that we had talked of it before. Gum is in both of our mouths, and I chew on mine nervously. The most nervous I've felt in months. I try to laugh it off, too. The wind is getting in my eyes, and my right one is watering. It's 11 and he says he needs to get going. I say all right. The elevator ride down was fast. I walked him to the outside of my building. He said he would call me, then confirmed that I was going to school August 14th or 15th or something. I told him the day I would be gone to school, and the other days when I would be on vacation and engaged. He told me his days of previously made engagements, followed by, "Well all right, I'll just call you." We hugged and said goodbye, he made a joke and he left with a half smile.

The wind is picking up now, and the breeze is coming through my window. Will Oldham is singing about seeing a darkness. And I'm wondering about tomorrow. That I'll have the same old day. I'll wake up at 7, go running, come back, maybe take a shower or watch tv. Perhaps I'll go to the library. I'll fix myself some cereal for breakfast and most likely eat two bowls within two hours and be set for the next six. I'll probably go running again to waste some time. My sister will come over after work and we will shower my mom with her coffee and oven mitts we got her for her birthday. We'll go out to dinner as a family. Come back home, it will be time for the news and Jay. I'll see if I can stay awake till Conan, and then I'll go to bed.
All this together just seems sketched and packed and fumbled and noisy and hectic. Like a busy street in the city full of cars all trying to get somewhere in record time. And the street doesn't end. Then my thoughts go to escape where I've just recently noticed they always go to escape. Where there's no such thing as the static that makes life unnoticable. Where it's just one big stretch of land and one big stretch of blue sky. Where time could just stand still, and no one would ever blink an eye. Where it smells like sun, and you don't even have to breathe, the wind just finds a way into your lungs.

It was sad tonight. Because I know I've wronged in the past, and missed up on many chances with this someone. And I know him so well. And he knows me, and that's just what felt sad about it. I'm just thinking about the "what ifs" and feeling so nervous and sad to think he might be thinking the exact opposite. And the other sad thing about it is, I know that I can't blame him.

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1:02 pm - to all the boys
Imagine a steel metal machine with cranks and knives and turny things with spokes or jab things or whatever off the ends of them, CHURNING around back and forth, in a circle, sideways, up and down, IN YOUR STOMACH nonstop until your Tylenol finally begins to kick in. And oh yeah, this lasts EVERY DAY for a good 4 days out of the month, just about.
So the next time one of you boys complains about a bruise on your leg, or a scrape on your arm, shut yourself the fuck up, please.

current mood: what do you think

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Friday, July 11th, 2003
4:52 pm - yay, quizzes

Are you my age?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Kate! Motivated, intelligent, and a little
confused about love matters.

Which Jennifer Aniston Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


brought to you by Quizilla

Water Goddess
Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are
usually content with life.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

That's all. Extremely bored for now. Ran a lot of errands today, got my paycheck, don't have to work till Wednesday. Mom's birthday is Tuesday, presents are taken care of. Too impatient to wait to watch "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" with my parents later on tonight, want to watch it right now! Ok, that's about it.

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4:46 pm - muahahaa
You are Hannibal "the Cannibal" Lector.

Which famous film murderer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Monday, July 7th, 2003
9:54 pm - oh if they only had a brain
Writing to Jeff soon, Jeff and Sandy's son. He's in prison now, on accounts of a DUI and a bad repuation with surrounding police in his area. His mom, Sandy, says that he's been going through books like crazy seeing that it's one of the only privelidges he has. My mom encouraged me to give him a Zig Zigglar book if I had one, and indeed I found one. I also found a few other motivation books which I suppose might do him good as well. Along with those I've added "On the Road", "Raise High the Roofbeams O Carpenters & Seymour: An Introduction", "Busted Scotch", and "Catch Me If You Can". I hope he takes an interest to those.
I finally watched 'The Graduate'. My dad sauntered up to the roof after he finished raving about how great of a movie it was, and expressing how shocked he was that I've never seen it before. It was a good movie, I wasn't exactly sure how it would turn out. At the end of the movie during the last scene my mom asked me, "Would you do that?" And I said, "Yes." She seemed pleased, I think she felt the same as me.

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Friday, July 4th, 2003
12:12 am - a question for all
What are you proud of?

What can you honestly say you would die for?

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Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
5:12 pm - deciding to minor in political science
I went and handed out menus and coupons again today, by the request of my boss, Andy. I went up to Lawrence and Broadway (for those of you who know Chicago streets) and it was a whole lot different than Belmont and Broadway. I can understand why my dad told my before I ventured up there to not bring my wallet with me. I very seriously realized today that I'm a spoiled white little rich girl. Even my problems before boarding school seem so incredibly trivial and over exaggerated and dramatized. When I say I have problems sometimes, I have no idea. It was just so different over there on those streets, and that wasn't even a bad part of Chicago. It was just a different economic class than I live in (as Andy put it). I saw a lot of cracked out people, homeless people begging for money, sitting on sidewalks, etc, etc. But it just made me really realize how incredibly spoiled I am. And that my reality is not even close to the reality of the other 90 or 80% of the population in the US. And I felt bad passing out coupons around there, too. I felt a bit intimidated to walk into a barber shop where there were rows and rows of about 40 or 50 black people getting their hair done, and going in there to pass out coupons for an over priced sandwhich place. So I didn't go into there. There were a lot of places I didn't go into. It would have been like, "Hi! I'm from Quizno's on the corner of Barry and Broadway! We just opened awhile ago and here are a couple menus and cheap ass coupons for sandwhiches you probably can't afford because you're working at a broken down currency exchange on the corner where homeless people probably beg you for a quarter as soon as you step outside. Oh, and we deliver! So on top of your $8 sandwhich that you buy, you can also pay a $2 delivery charge!" Yeah, I would have just felt like an idiot and completely ignorant if I went into some places to advertise for our sandwhiches.
In the meantime.. I confirmed more of my ignorant rich white girl status by going tanning. It was a free 8 minute session, though. The tanning booth was a standup booth that resembled a chriogenic chamber. It was kind of scary, actually. I felt like cancer was baking into me. I guess the results start to show within a few hours though, cos right now I'm still pale as "Powder".
I finally bought a pack of Newports today. I've been bumming off my parents' Salem Lights for the last 3 days. I had my first Newport just minutes ago, and it was hardly gratifying. Smoking is gross and I don't even like it anymore.
Well, I think I'm gonna go finish reading my book. Later on tonight I'm going to "the point" to watch the fireworks with my parents. Hopefully it will be nice.
K, that's it. Have a good 4th of July!

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
12:46 am - i wish i knew how to draw
and play instruments
and read without motivation
and eat healthy
and run with no effort
and write good poetry (cos that's definitely gone)
and take beautiful pictures (cos that's definitely dwindled)
and how to sail
and how to ride a horse

and yeah.. that's about it

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12:14 am
stars are awake
What Exploding Dog Art Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

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Monday, June 30th, 2003
11:00 pm
Yesterday while I was watching the news at night on WGN, they were reporting a long segment about the balcony collapse. They began talking about the company that owned the building, and that they were trying to find the owner of the company, who apparently is on vacation in Canada. But anyway, they showed a very brief glimpse of a news reporter woman dressed in pink stretching out a microphone to the open front door of the company building of that apartment. All I heard when they showed this glimpse was,
Newswoman: "Are you the owner of so and so company?" (I think it was LN something?
The guy at the door: "Well um.. er.. yeah."
Newswoman: "Don't fuck with me, I've had a looooong day."
And immediately following that sentence, the camera quickly cut off. It was probably about 7 seconds total, but it was so hilarious. My parents didn't even catch it.
I worked two extra hours at work today, and I have tomorrow off. Ohhh what will I do!

Gonna go read for a little bit (hopefully) if I don't fall asleep before then.


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9:52 pm
You Are Love
You are Love.

You love life, you love all those around you and
the world that you live in. You are happiest
when you are doing something for someone else
or for the common good of mankind.

What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Sunday, June 29th, 2003
7:31 pm
Outrageously Righteous Baton Corp. "You Twirl Girl!"
Hefner song survey
painting and kissing
Painting and kissing

Which Hefner song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
$7 tips at Quizno's
Saying goodbye to my dad's best friend since 7th grade
Watching dying children in Romania on TV followed by a commercial for a vanity clothes washer and dryer
Remembering to return Joey's call
Woman clunking to the floor and fainting at work
Being scared after my mom told me that my sister was invited by a guy from her work to go to that party down the street from us last night where the balcony collapsed and 12 people were killed
Thinking about teaching
On my feet all day at work
Tired and full and restless
Pointless posts about absolutely nothing

These are some of the events from my day. And the most influencial has been seeing less than a 20 second glimpse to the lives that children less than 4 are living, miles away from me. It just makes me feel pathetic in some way, to know that at the moment, I am doing absolutely nothing to help save such an innocent and new life. And directly following this glimpse, a commercial came on, with its new age electronic music, and a beautiful woman dressed in expensively makeshift clothes advertising for a silver washer and dryer that I'm sure people are buying as of this day. It just doesn't make sense to me, it really doesn't. And thinking about how I spend money, and my family spends money, on things we don't really need. Like a computer, a TV, DVD player, stereo, expensive clothes, condo on Lakeshore Drive, etc, etc. And it just doesn't make it seem even close to fair, thinking about me at this moment right now, and thinking about children that are thousands of miles away from me, and what are they doing right at this moment. What clothes are on their bodies, if any. What food do they have in their stomachs. Who is holding them and kissing them when they fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning. Do they learn, or do they not even have schools, or any type of instruction? One of the glimpses from an orphanage was of about 50 children looking to be under the age of 10 huddled side by side together, cramped in a room. Some were wrapping their arms around their chests and rocking back and forth. It was said that some of them have not even experienced another human touching them since they were born. And I wonder what they look forward to during the day. Maybe getting food, maybe beoming so tired they fall asleep, maybe being able to look outside of a window. It just seems like the things they look forward to during the day, or would appreciate would seem as though they were burdens to me, or things I would hate to have in my life if I ever did have them in my life. And then I begin to wonder if these kids even know what it's like to hope. Can they even imagine that people don't actually live in those conditions, that those aren't conditions for anyone to live in, much less children? Do they even hope, daydream, feel anything?
I don't know, I just don't understand. A co-worker told me at work that if each American donated a dollar a week, for a full year, then world hunger would not exist. I'm not sure about the exact number for the donation, but it was small enough to not have it seem like a reality to end world hunger.
I was just thinking about Mother Teresa (and blah blah, yes I know this sounds all cliche and everything to you), but I don't really understand why she was so glorified. She went to those in need one on one and made them smile, gave them hope, prayed for them, and cared for them. Complete strangers, but still, children who were in need of love and care, and adults who were on the verge of death and starvation. Why was she so glorified for this? I don't understand, shouldn't everyone be doing this? Why isn't this a regular thing, a regular way of life? It just makes us all seem so selfish, and so weak. Like we are too scared to face it, or don't have any concrete plans to deal with it, so we don't do anything. And that just disgusts me. And I don't understand.

((I've thought about these things all before, but at some instances there will just be something to trigger it. Today it was that glimpse on TV of those children. It's hard to keep it in my mind 24 hours a day, because it is scary to know that it could change my life drastically, and I like where my life is right now. And I'm too scared to risk it. I guess right now I'm just in a waiting period. Again, another reason why I want to become a teacher. So I can travel, and teach or care for children so much more unfortunate that I ever was.))

But at the same time, I know I write annoyingly pointless posts, and read annoyingly pointless posts as well as other things to occupy my time of day and night. It just makes my life look that much more ridiculous, and that much more wasteful to be a person.

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Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
12:16 am - anything that might be special in me, is you
Sipping chianti with a cigarette in my hand. Talking to Nathan (road trip - Kentucky..) and wondering why all we're talking about is teeth and books and other nonsense.

If I had more to drink tonight, I would be saying more things.

Now we're getting somewhere.


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Friday, June 20th, 2003
11:55 pm - if i write another song things will get better
Night out with parents tonight. Went to a Persian restaurant down the street. It was really good. We even got roses from the waiter.
Came home. We rented "The Recruit" but it was too late to watch by the time we made it in the door. Dad put me to work for some email list thing he couldn't figure out for his sailing thing. I thought it would take an easy 15 minutes.. 2 hours later it's done. Talked to my dad's best friend, Jeff, on the phone for a bit about his son who they are thinking of sending away to the boarding school I went to. Talked with the parents for a bit about the same matters. Parents got pretty tipsy by the end of the night, and were bickering eachother in a cute way, and annoying the hell out of me. They stress me out! I'm actually relieved that they went to bed just now. Ah, some peace and quiet!
I meant to read tonight and finish "Candide" but that didn't happen cos I was doing that email thing. Now I'm exhausted and tired. I took about an hour nap when I got home from work, but I'm still tired. Nothing else new to say. Took my Her Space Holiday album to work, and my boss likes it a lot. He's already looked it up online and said he's buying it tonight. Heh, hope he can find it.
Well all right, time for me to go and call Owen and have my last cigarette for the night.

((closing eyes)) Goodnight, goodnight..

current mood: exhausted

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Thursday, June 19th, 2003
4:09 pm - ooh ooh
Magic Number19
JobSporting Great
TemperamentPussy Cat
Likely To WinA Nobel Prize
Me - In A WordBeautiful
Brought to you by MemeJack

ps. Owen, sorry.. They said I was gay, so.... we can no longer be anything more than friends!

current mood: bored

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Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
8:11 pm - events of today
Met up with an old semi-friend from high school today. Went to get crepes and coffee and I talked a lot about boarding school, and answered many questions about it. He talked a bit about himself and college. He gave me back 3 of my old cds that he had bought from a garage sale back in the day when my parents were selling all of my things before they moved into the city. The cds are:
HUM - You'd Prefer an Astronaut
Belle and Sebastian - TIJAMRS EP
Her Space Holiday - The Astronauts are Sleeping, Volume 1 (I wish I had Volume 2!)
So that was definitely good that I got those back. Although it's still sad to think that my old collection will never once again be complete. I showed him my rooftop, it was beautiful out today. He left directly after seeing the view, and that was that. It's sort of funny, he didn't really seem to want to get to know me, or be friendly with me at all. It seemed as though he just wanted to hear about the boarding school experience, see the top of my roof, and be on his way.

This cd is even more incredible to me. Just finally being able to hear his voice again (besides 'Manic Expressive', which I have.. although his voice isn't featured in the same way as on this album). And the guitar swings... ooooh.. the swings. It's just so soothing, I can't think of a better word for it. It brings back my memory a bit too, thinking about when I used to listen to this cd. It reminds me a lot of winter and the snow and being lonely, and it reminds me of summer taking a long drive up to Elk Rapids, Michigan to go on vacation with the family. Ohh! !!!!! I thought that "Slide Guitars and Moving Cars" was on Volume 2 (maybe there is a "part 2" to that song or something on the other volume though.. now that I might remember) but it's on this album! And so is "Sweet Baby Jesus"!

I had a nice evening with my mom. She bought me a new hat! I totally wasn't expecting her to buy it for me, either. It was a very cool surprise. I returned twice in one day to the crepe place, and me and my mom got dinner crepes. They were pretty good, but they could have had more cheese in my opinion. We went to this Italian ice place, too. I just noticed this sign that said "25-40 ONLY" Hah.. I guess I can't go in there again if I don't have someone at least 25 with me. But it was cool, we bought cookies, and the old Italian man working their answered our question, "You have a club for customers?" By saying, "Yes! Italian men sitting in the backroom watching all Italian tv, listening to Italian music, playing cards starting at $100 a game. Yes." Hah.. it was great. The cookies are great, too.

I tried posting earlier about my dream I had last night, which I think was more than just a dream, but a promising insight to my future experiences, but AOL signed me off, so it was lost.

Ok, I'm gonna go now and call Owen and have a cigarette and then join my mom on the roof for a little bit.


(((sweeeeet baby jeeeeeessuuuuuuuusssss)))

current mood: relaxed

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